Dork Matter Discrepancy
by theheathen42
Summary: The guys try to have an enjoyable movie night with Penny and her friends. Emphasis on the word "try."
1. Chapter 1

"You know I dislike this movie," Sheldon complained as he settled himself into his seat on the couch

"You know I dislike this movie," Sheldon complained as he settled himself into his seat on the couch. "I deny the entire validity of its premise." He folded his legs against the sofa and placed a napkin neatly across his lap before reaching for his sushi. "Also, why must we keep ordering from this restaurant when they clearly can't count the number of entrees and appetizers ordered and give the requisite number of chopsticks?"

"We're watching the movie, and that's final," Leonard sighed as he wandered over to the kitchen to get an extra set of chopsticks out of a drawer. "Penny's bringing her friends over here, and she said they'd all leave if we started to act like freaks or if they had to sit through some science-geek or comic-nerd film fest."

"She's bringing friends?" Howard asked, immediately standing up to pull up his pants and smooth down his shirt. "Are they hot?"

"She's bringing _friends_?" Raj asked, immediately looking stricken. "Are they _girls_?"

"I don't see _why_ you two are getting so worked up about the idea. It's not like either of you will have any sort of a chance of achieving coitus with them." Sheldon sniffed his edamame and then held it up. "Does this smell rancid to you?"

"Leonard has achieved coitus with Penny," Howard pointed out, not noticing Leonard's attempt to enter the conversation at that point. "And I achieved multiple coiti with Penny's friend Christi from her hometown."

"Yeah, and your sister totally wanted to get jiggy with me," Raj interjected.

"Leonard has _not_ achieved coitus with Penny. Leonard has had a _date_ with Penny that included one kiss at the beginning and another at the end," Sheldon clarified, listing each edit on one digit of his right hand. "Using _'achieved'_ to describe the coitus you had with Christi is a misuse of a word that describes something requiring _effort_ that has a result of which the achiever can be _proud_. My sister would not '_get jiggy_' with anyone because she is neither Will Smith nor a woman in one of his videos, and she wouldn't be able to do so with Raj anyway since he isn't able to have a _conversation_ with her without first ingesting either alcohol or drugs." He took a breath. "Also, I find myself mildly offended by the liberties you took with the Latin language, Wolowitz. Coitus comes from _coire_, the joining of the prefix _co-_ meaning 'together' and the root _–ire_ meaning 'go' or 'come' and your mangling of the plural ending is completely uncalled for." Sheldon once more held up his appetizer. "Now will someone _please_ smell this edamame and tell me if it's going to kill me?"

"If _it_ doesn't, _I_ will," mumbled Howard under his breath.

Leonard leaned over and gave the soybeans a token whiff. "They're fine. Now, be nice. I told Penny you were going to behave, tonight."

"I really don't see how you could make such a statement with any kind of certainty given past experiences of my interactions with Penny and her friends. Quite the opposite, in fact," Sheldon replied, matter-of-factly.

"So they're girls, then?" Raj asked. "What in the _hell_ am I supposed to do in a roomful of women?"

"Smile and nod whenever they talk and look down their shirts when they're not paying attention," Howard answered dismissively. "Now, what's this about Leonard not achieving coitus with Penny?"

"I really don't think that _now_ is the time to be discussing that," Leonard nervously muttered. "Why don't you eat your sushi? The girls will be here any minute."

"Well, if they're going to be here any minute, shouldn't we, as gentlemen, wait for their arrival before indulging in our repaste?"

"Just eat, Howard."

"Are you _sure_ this isn't ranc…"

"_Eat!_"

"Fine then, but if my bowel expels with undue frequency and irritation as a result, I blame _you_."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

"Alright girls, now remember what I told you," Penny instructed her friends as they entered the building.

"They can't be _that_ bad," Ru scoffed. "I remember one guy from that surprise party you threw…" she laughed. "God, my mom would freak _out_ if she knew I was actually thinking about an _Indian_ guy for once!"

"Raj can't talk to women," Penny stated with finality as they turned the corner.

"Sure he can! He chatted me up all night! If he weren't Indian, I probably would have sat on his shoulders facing the other way, if you know what I mean," she waggled her eyebrows but garnered no response. "You know what I mean?" she tried again.

"We _all_ know what you mean, Ru," Tracy sighed, slowly making her way upwards. "Hey Penny, if these guys are so smart, why in the _hell_ haven't they fixed the elevator yet?" She paused on the landing. "I mean, this might be great for cardio, but it sucks for everything else."

"Look, stop worrying about the stairs and start thinking about what I told you," Penny urged. "Now, what did I say?"

"Raj can't talk to women," Ru rolled her eyes as she repeated in a singsong voice.

"Howard is a lech," Carol shifted her breasts a bit in her top. "You really think he'll like me?"

"You're breathing, he'll love you," Penny said in a flat voice, noticing that the out of order sign on the elevator had been changed again. She wondered idly who kept doing that. "Now, Leonard's fairly normal, but Sheldon is the one you have to be careful with."

"We know, we know!" Tracy sighed in exasperation. "Don't ask him any questions, even if they are completely obvious. Don't sit in the left-hand corner of the couch. Don't touch the boards." She pulled herself up to yet another landing. "Are we _there_ yet?"

"Yes." Penny marshaled her forces and looked them over. She still couldn't believe that she was doing this, but Leonard seemed to think that having their friends hang out together was important. At least, that's what she _thought_ he meant when he was talking about 'the importance of a cohesive social group in which all parties are familiar with each other and able to interact peacefully and increase the bonds of the unit.'

Penny took a deep breath and knocked on the door. "God, I can't believe I'm doing this."

On the other side of the door, Leonard looked up sharply from where he was standing in the kitchen. Damnit, he'd _told_ Penny to text him when they were on the stairs so that he could position himself near the door. Did she not understand the importance of strategy at a time like this?

Howard jumped up off the couch, smoothed down his shirt, and swaggered over to the door. He opened it with a flourish and gave the women standing there his most winning smile. "Enchante, mes belles fleurs."

Penny rolled her eyes and greeted him gracelessly. "I've told you not to do that, Howard."

He waved her off and offered a hand to Ru, "And who might this lovely creature be?"

Raj started as he recognized Ru from Leonard's surprise party. He looked at her with longing, tugged uselessly at his sweater and jacket, and looked pleadingly at Penny for help with a nod in the other girl's direction.

Penny stepped in with aplomb. "This is Ru. Ru, this is Howard and Leonard, and you might remember Sheldon and Raj." The boys nodded with shy politeness as their names were mentioned… all except Howard who ogled the girl with absolutely no subtlety.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Princess Puncha…"

"**Howard!**" Leonard intervened.

Ru turned in confusion to Raj. "What's he talking about?"

Raj shrugged sheepishly and smiled at her, earning him a smile in return.

Penny decided to head Howard off before things got any worse. "Howard, this is Carol. Carol, Howard." She observed how the two of them seemed to be sizing each other up for more than just a conversation. "Stay away from my stuffed animals, or I'll kill you both."

Tracy, meanwhile, had decided to just introduce herself and give Penny a break. "Hi," she held a hand out to Sheldon, "I'm Tracy. You must be Sheldon."

Sheldon looked at her hand for a moment. "When is the last time that you washed that?"

"Excuse me?" she frowned, her hand still hanging uselessly in the air.

"The American Society of Microbiology released a report in 2006 stating that, while 97 of females _claimed_ to wash their hands, only 75 actually did. The numbers are even more startling for males. As well, mere handwashing is ineffective if done in cold water or without soap, or if the washing lasts for fewer than 30 seconds. Considering the fact that you were just in an enclosed vehicle getting here and then climbed four flights of stairs, the rate of your breathing indicating that you most likely used the handrail, I can't very well be expected to touch something as germ-filled as your hand."

"…" Tracy blinked.

Leonard pulled Sheldon aside. "She's trying to be polite by using a typical social convention which lubricates initial discourse with a new acquaintance."

Sheldon pondered that one for a moment. "Is it optional?"

Leonard smacked his arm lightly, "_Shake her damn hand, will you_?"

Sheldon returned to Tracy and gingerly took the very tips of her fingers in the very tips of his own. "Nice to meet you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my hands for the next 45 seconds."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

Leonard gave Tracy an ingratiating, awkward smile. "Sorry about Sheldon," he gestured over his shoulder to the hallway his roommate has disappeared down in order to wash off the cooties he'd received from their houseguest's handshake. "He's…" he cast around a moment to find an appropriate adjective, "…Sheldon."

Tracy smiled back, genuinely. "Yeah, Penny warned us."

"Why don't you have a seat," Leonard offered. "_Not there!_" He cleared his throat. "I mean… um… the chair is more comfortable."

Tracy did her best to cover her fit of laughter with a cough. "Right, don't sit in the left-hand corner of couch. I forgot."

Leonard raised a surprised eyebrow in Penny's direction. She shrugged in return, "I've heard the rant once, thanks. More than enough."

"Good point."

Meanwhile, at the back window of the apartment, Howard was pointing out invisible constellations to Carol who was pretending to see them. Considering the sun had just barely set, it was an Oscar-winning performance on both sides of the conversation.

"And that's _Coito Ergo Sum_," Howard pointed randomly while staring down Carol's low-cut top.

"It's beautiful," Carol gushed, surreptitiously squeezing her arms together to deepen her cleavage. "Show me another one?" She stroked Howard's thigh while stroking his ego, and he was putty in her hands.

"Oh, I'll show you stars, alright," Howard growled, stroking Carol's thigh in return. Their eyes connected, and they were off and running, passing Sheldon in the hallway as he came back to the assembled group.

Sheldon gave them a slight glance and a shrug, then promptly forgot about them. Making his way over to the seating area, he stopped dead. "Who sat there?" he demanded, pointing an accusatory finger at 'his' seat.

Leonard's eyes widened in a mute plea for his roommate to embrace sanity for once.

Sheldon, quelled, awkwardly placed his hand on his hip and struck an overly-casual pose. "I mean, is anyone sitting there?" he asked in a strangled voice?

Tracy opened her mouth with a devilish look on her face, but Penny stepped in before she could say anything. "Nope, no one at all. We were saving it for you!" she answered brightly.

"While I realize that such an assertion is patently false, I will accept it as true in order to continue the friendly social dynamic which is attempting to be put in place," Sheldon stated matter-of-factly as he sat down.

Penny and Tracy turned to Leonard for translation. "He means 'thanks.'"

"_Ohhh_."

"So Raj," Ru was saying in the kitchen. "Penny tells me that you can't talk to women." She poured them each a glass of Coke. "Is that really true?"

Raj looked at Penny in horror, but she was talking to the others and didn't see him. He had no choice but to turn back to Ru and nod miserably and looked down at the floor.

"Well…" Ru ran one finger over his hand and then up his arm to his shoulder. "Can you do… other things with them?"

Raj's head sprang up so quickly he hurt his neck, grabbing it in pain but unable to cry out in the presence of a female. With tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, he bit his lip and nodded eagerly.

"Why don't we try that, then?" she smiled.

His beatific smile stretched from ear to ear as he let her take his hand and walk him down the hallway.

Sheldon, the only one who didn't at that moment have his back to the hallway, raised an eyebrow as he watched them walk down it, but shrugged and them promptly dismissed them in order to continue the argument he was engaged in.

"_How_ have you never seen Star Wars?"

"I just never have," Penny shrugged. "I mean, I've heard of it and everything, I just haven't ever sat down and watched it is all."

Leonard piped in at that point. "But it's a cinematic masterpiece!"

"It's not _that_ great," Tracy muttered. The two geeks rounded on her.

"**What?**" Leonard sputtered. "It is a classic story of good versus evil!"

"And the technologies introduced were incredibly intriguing," Sheldon added.

"Yeah," Tracy scoffed, "And the dialogue was cheesy, the special effects were overused, and the plot kept getting hung out to dry in order to put in a fight scene."

Penny watched as both Leonard and Sheldon seemed to be on the verge of exploding. She was just about to jump in and offer to watch all six movies in a marathon when a resounding slap echoed through the apartment.

"**What kind of girl do you think I am, Howard… whatever your name is!"** Carol shouted as she thundered back down the hallway into the living room. She was holding her bra and attempting to get her shirt turned the right way round.

"I'm sorry!" he pleaded, running after her while trying to pull his pants up from around his ankles and not fall flat on his face. The others in the living room all gagged and averted their eyes. "I thought you were easy!"

Carol's mouth dropped open and she stared accusingly at Penny. Penny's mouth worked up and down for a few moments before she finally got control, smacking Howard in the back of the head. "I said _cheesy_, not _easy!_" she hissed in a totally audible whisper. "As in her sense of humour?"

"No," Howard insisted, not picking up on the fact that Penny was stepping firmly on his foot for a reason. "You said she punished her father by sleeping around… either that or she was two tequila shots away from letting me wear her like a hat, I can't remember."

Everyone's eyes bounced from Penny to Carol to Howard and back again. This was better than the French Open.

"**No**," Penny replied threw clenched teeth. "That was **Cheryl**, not _Carol_."

"_Ohhh_," Howard bounced on his toes for a moment, smoothing down his shirt and hitching up his Spider Man briefs. He walked up to a still-seething Carol and took her hand, giving it a gentle kiss. "I am terribly sorry to have besmirched your honour, milady," he said with a bow. "I will do my best to mend this rift between us."

Carol blushed and giggled, fanning herself slightly with her free hand. "Well… I guess I _might_ forgive you… _if_," she leaned over and whispered in Howard's ear.

Howard's face lit up like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Centre. "After you, my beautiful, sensitive flower!"

After they scurried back down the hallway, Leonard stood awkwardly for a moment thinking things through. Suddenly, the realization struck. "Not in **my** room!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

"… and really, the idea of an intergalactic federation peopled with different species interacting in a commonly understood system of barter and trade ..."

"Sheldon!" Leonard interrupted impatiently.

"What?"

"Can we _forget_ about Star Wars for a minute, _please_?" he begged.

Sheldon stood up, affronted. "_Forget_ about one of the most classic films ever created? _Forget_ about the genius of letting the so-called 'bad guys'" he bent his fingers into quotation marks before continuing, "win in Empire? _Forget_ about Luke Skywalker's epic struggle with the fact that…" he cut himself off and looked over at Penny. "You-know-who is you-know-who's father," he stage whispered.

"Sheldon, honey," Penny said matter-of-factly. "You're not going to spoil it for me. Anyone who hasn't spent their life under a rock knows that Dark Vader is Luke Skywhatever's father."

This time, both men were reduced to merely sputtering at her mangling of the character's names.

"… Just kidding," she laughed, giving Tracy a high five.

Sheldon shook his head in disgust. "Leonard, I know that you're nowhere near as intelligent as I am…"

"I would't say '_nowhere near'" _Leonard muttered.

"… but I just can't understand why you're investing such an emotional stake in a… a…"

"…A?" Penny asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms.

Sheldon back away slightly until he was protected by Leonard's form. "A layperson," he finished lamely.

"Is that bad?" Penny whispered in Leonard's ear.

"It is to Sheldon, but not to normal people," he reassured her, patting her back gently.

Tracy, meanwhile, had come to a conclusion. "Wait a second," she piped up from her chair. No one really listened to her through all of the glaring going on above her head. "We don't know anyone named Cheryl, and Carol totally has daddy issues."

"I know, but I'd rather let Howard have sex with her than have to deal with one of her moods," Penny dismissed it with a wave of her hand.

Tracy nodded in agreement.

Sheldon accepted the logic.

Leonard remembered why he was upset in the first place and took off down the hall, screaming for them not to touch any of his action figures.

Raj and Ru looked at him quizzically as they came back down the hallway, holding hands.

"And what were you too up to?" Penny asked in a wheedling tone.

"You're looking awfully cozy," Tracy smirked. So far, she was the only one not getting any tonight. She glanced over at Sheldon and sized him up. Looked like she was going to _remain_ the only one not getting any tonight. Damnit.

Raj blushed brightly and looked at the floor, unable to hide his proud grin. Ru faced the girls down and dropped his hand, crossing her arms. "Raj was just showing me around the apartment is all," she replied defensively. Her brows furrowed slightly. "He couldn't explain why one of the rooms had an electronic lock with a number code, palm scanner, and voice identifier, though."

Sheldon stepped proudly forward. "That would be my bedroom," he offered, chest puffing out as far as possible on his frame. When everyone just stared at him in confusion and/or disbelief, he decided he should continue the explanation. "I decided, when Leonard told me about this farce of a social occasion, that I would be well-advised to protect my room, especially given the events which transpired with Penny's stuffed animals the last time Howard was invited to interact with her friends." He paused while Penny refused to elabourate upon this to her friends. "As a result, I have outfitted my bedroom with a state-of-the-art security system with fail-safes, redundancies, and measures enough to ensure that my own childhood memories of nuclear reactors and killer robots need never be sullied by Wolowitz' ejaculate."

Penny and friends all took a moment to gag while Raj nodded in appreciation of a plan well-thought-out and executed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

Ru swayed and fidgeted to the soft sounds of Leonard pounding on his own bedroom door. She was getting a few too many mental images for her own good, and she'd just thought of a way to communicate with Raj. She slipped a note into his back pocket, causing him to jump slightly, eyebrows raised, and then smile like Hugh Hefner during a photo shoot with his bunnies. And I don't mean rabbits.

"I think I'm going to call it a night," Ru sighed, patting Raj's butt, surreptitiously.

"Ru…" Penny started.

"Don't worry, Penny," Ru hugged her friend. "It wasn't as bad as I feared, but I just _really_ don't want to see Howard in his underoos again."

"Yeah, I think I'll head out, too," Tracy added while looking for her purse. "This is too much excitement for a movie night."

"But we weren't finished discussing the merits of the Star Wars series of films," Sheldon protested.

Tracy patted him gently on the cheek, "Oh honey. We so were."

Sheldon blinked. "I don't understand."

"I'll explain later, sweetie," Penny reassured him.

Raj gave an apologetic wave and a nod toward the door.

"You too?" Penny asked in defeat.

He nodded and whispered something to Sheldon.

"He says that he only came over tonight because there were women. He doesn't want to stay if it's going to be a sausagefest."

Penny was giving hugs all around and arranging to meet her friends again for lunch when the door pounding stopped and an eerie silence fell. They looked at each other and all ran out the door: Penny to her apartment, the girls and Raj down the stairs, and Sheldon… He looked around the landing for a place to hide and then knocked on Penny's door.

"Is that Sheldon?"

"Yes."

"If I let you in, are you going to lecture me about Star Wars?"

"That is an extremely likely hypothesis."

"What?"

"That means, 'Yes.'"

"See you tomorrow, Sheldon."

"But…"

"G'night."

His own apartment's door opened, and he slunk into the stairwell leading to the next floor and averted his eyes.

"Are you _sure_ you want me to have your original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit?" Howard asked in awe.

Leonard swallowed a mouthful of bile and shuddered. "**Yes.**"

"Oh wow! This is just…" Howard moved to embrace his friend.

"_Don't touch me!_" both men jerked apart in surprise at the volume of Leonard's voice. "I mean… saying thanks is more than enough."

"I don't think I _want_ your tie," Carol stated in puzzlement.

"Take it! Please! I've been meaning to get a new one, anyway," Leonard was now doing everything short of physically pushing them out of the door. "Now you two kids go have…" he stopped as he was overwhelmed with a mental image. "… Go."

"I can't believe we missed the movie!" Carol gushed.

"Yeah, real shame, maybe next time. See you!" Leonard closed the door practically in their faces and then leaned against the wood. There would never be a next time. At least, not until he got Sheldon to install a security system on _his_ door, too.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: We have finally reached the end of this little episode

**Author's Note:** We have finally reached the end of this little episode. Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have :D

**Chapter Six (Epilogue)**

A dark figure climbed stealthily through Sheldon's window and along the floor beside his bed. Rising at the foot of the sleeping genius, the black cowl of its cloak was pulled back to reveal a face mottled red and black. Horns protruded from the skull, and the eyes were evil slits. A humming arose as a light saber energized with red heat and lit up the horrible face to reveal Tracy's features. Using both hands, she pulled the weapon high above her head before slicing it down in a powerful arc.

Before the weapon could finish its lethal trajectory, Sheldon's hand shot out from under his pillow, parrying the overhand blow with a blue beam of light. He caught Tracy offguard by tossing his no-longer-in-use pillow into her face before throwing off his covers to reveal a black ninja-like outfit.

Tracy impatiently thrust the pillow to the floor just in time to counter a thrust from Sheldon's light saber. The two blades slid along each other until their owners were fist to fist and face to face. Each clenched their teeth and growled at the other before breaking apart with a whirring noise and a few sparks.

The opponents circled around each other, stepping lightly over the hardwood and area rug. Suddenly, Sheldon leapt onto his bed in preparation of a killing strike. Unfortunately, he slipped on the blankets and his saber went astray so that instead of beheading the Sith in front of him, he decapitated a model of Yoda on a bookshelf next to his bed.

Tracy couldn't stop herself from laughing and let her guard down in order to support herself with her saber. Sheldon recovered beautifully, rolling off of the bed and spinning around in a sweeping arc, bent of slicing his foe in half at her midpoint. Tracy, however, recovered from her mirth with miraculous rapidity and parried the stroke before descending into a ruthless series of short, fast thrusts and strokes that Sheldon was hard-pressed to defend against.

Their close-fought fencing escalated in speed and fierceness, traveling in circles and angles around Sheldon's room time and again. Sometimes, Tracy had the upper hand. Occasionally, Sheldon gained the advantage. Finally, however, Sheldon was pinned with the backs of his legs at the foot of his bed. Tracy favoured him with a tiny, evil grin before pushing him backwards. She immediately jumped up to stand astride him, kicking his light saber out of his hand and off of the bed where it turned itself off and rolled under his bedside table. With a horrible laugh, she once more brought her light saber down in an overhand swing so powerful that, this time, nothing would stop it.

Sheldon woke up with a start, drenched with sweat and gasping for breath. "Overused special effects, my hirsute posterior," he scoffed before rolling over and going back to sleep.


End file.
